particles

The Chool Bus (ch21)

CHAPTER 21: The Forks interview folks in Redding, Sacramento, and San Francisco before taking some time in Monterey with the Steinbeck vibes on Cannery Row.

The gang enjoyed some pizza and a couple beers with Professor T’s relatives in Redding before getting a good night’s sleep ahead of the next grueling leg of the tour. Sacramento, and San Francisco would challenge Billie with their traffic. She learned a thing or two about urban congestion in Portland and the lessons stuck…they were no longer having to apologize for late arrivals. Of course smoothing things over would be much easier if Professor T could take his diplomatic approach up a notch or two, but it’s all in the rearview as Billie was getting real good at choosing alternate routes offered by Siri’s drunk sister now programmed with Rosanne Barr’s salty voice.

“Are you blind AND deaf?”
Roseanne barked at Billie whenever she missed a turn. 

***

It took a full day to finish at State University in Sacrimento, then it was off to one of the most storied, cosmopolitan cities in the US. The interviews were to take place at the University of California, Berkley, and this was an eye-opener for the flatlanders riding in the Chool Bus…oh yeah. See, weather in the Bay area is famously mild, a fact that hadn’t gone unnoticed by the nation’s many…many unfortunates living out of cars, vans, and motor homes. 

Buck Wellstone could hardly get his jaw off the floor as the Chool Bus past block after block of hovels lining the sidewalks. Vacant lots filled with RVs and tents…small cohorts of unhoused individuals tightly clustered in pungent slapdash micro-communities. It’s a bit much for a Big Sky Texas cowboy to take in.

The mix of folks appearing for the interviews was as diverse as the city itself, and once the final round was complete, the gang was more than happy to be moving on. Not out of any fear or loathing for an overwhelming presence of the nation’s down and out, rather the unsettling juxtaposition of some of the best and brightest cohabitating a mere’s security door from the nation’s doomed, not simply there because Mother Nature’s wrath is less prominent, no…it’s San Francisco…one of the world’s most celebrated cities.

At the end of the day in Berkley, Billie met some of what she considered the most interesting people she had yet to encounter in all her years on the high plains. One was preparing an IPO for his artificial intelligence development company, another impressed Billie with wisdom beyond years, and nearly penniless. She and her rescue dog had been living in one of those tent cities for the past several months. Not sure what to do next, but inclined to hop a cargo freighter to Viet Nam. Clear-eyed about the downsides of life in a communist country, but at the same time, done with the zero-sum, social darwinist hunger games of capitalism. 

“Why Viet Nam?” said Billie. 

“Not one hundred percent sure,” said her new companion. “I’ve always felt we Americans should try to do something…anything to help folks in South East Asia recover from the devastation the American war did to their land. So, i signed up with an international NGO to help the locals plant a billion trees.  

“Trees?” said Billie.

“Yes, even though there’s no way for us to mitigate the human losses, we certainly can help to repair damage to nature’s oxygen-generating forests and urban greenspace. So… we’ll see. Right now looking to get myself and my dog, Buddy, vaccinated for the stay, however long it may end up being.”

Billie smiled, “That sounds like a worthy adventure.”

Billie’s new companion continued: “Proud to be an American, land of liberty within the confines of total freedom and absolute justice.” She went on. “And so, if total freedom ends in anarchy and absolute justice to tyranny, i choose a little of both…liberty. I plan to give way to contrition with mine, and not just for the people of Southeast Asia, but to the land we shredded with our bombs and weaponized herbicides.”

***

Later, on the road to Salinas, Professor T was reacquainting himself with John Steinbeck’s Cannery Row characters and settings as the gang agreed to spend the next day in Monterey soaking in the atmosphere, trying to overlook the touristy vibe and really get emersed in the world created by this great American storyteller.   

For one, Professor T, contemplating the tent enclaves in Berkley’s vacant lots, couldn’t ignore a sense of deja vu. How there must be similar stories in there. On Cannery Row the nation’s doomed found ways to thrive through interconnection and mutual support. Necessity giving folks on the waterfront row and in the Bay Area canvas-roof enclaves license to give in to the better angels of human nature. Prostitutes, drifters, iconoclasts, and rebels forming surrogate families protecting inhabitants from the devastating isolation of the modern world.

***

Presently, Professor T turned his thoughts to the brewing storm waiting for him back home in Kansas. His anger was beginning to temper a bit. He thought about the lessons taken from the pages of Cannery Row. Could he beat back the legal attack with angry defiance? Should he put his back into a fight against the natural flow of the universe, or could he defuse Abagail’s attack with acceptance? Regardless of the outcome, could he just simply let things be? He would find out soon enough as he was summoned to appear in court back home because Abigail’s attorneys had filed a suit to collect damages. 

The Zoom conference outburst had not helped his case at the University. He was written up for “chronic low performance,”  a bureaucratic prelude to being subject to an unfavorable post-tenure review, one step closer to being dismissed. Scheizer & Bok will use this bit of unfortunate news in their case for damages. 

“You have ARRIVED, dummy!” Roseanne Barr’s voice barked as Billie steered the Chool Bus into the Salinas RV park where the gang would spend the night.

NEXT WEEK:
The Forks head south (SoCal) venturing close to LA via Santa Barbara and Moorpark, then, a taste of the Bakersfield sound at the Merle Haggard Museum.

GO BACK => Preface and Chapter Links

The Chool Bus (ch19)

CHAPTER 19: The White-Knuckle Storm Crawl Continues… Tales of Ghosts and Mass Sociogenic Hysteria in Coquille. 

At forty miles per hour, the trip from Florence to Coos Bay took every bit of two. For Professor T, the disappearance of what little sunlight was leaking through the bloated clouds resembled a gray leviathan slowly swallowing the sky. The colors bled out, leaving behind a dark and angry deluge of cold, suffocating water. Professor T hoped Billie wasn’t feeling something similar… an overwhelming sensation of being waterboarded by Posiden. 

As par usual, Buck was playing a reassuring role in the passenger seat…his low-key southern gentleman’s confidence bolstering Billie’s stoic resolve. Of course, they had no choice as darkness was near total and the lonely forty-eight mile stretch was mostly devoid of pull-over spaces. 

They HAD to soldier on. 

Contributing to Professor T’s claustrophobic dread was a combination of Buck and Billie’s hushed tones and Jack’s untroubled snoring. It was disconcerting for Mork T as he could not imagine how anyone would be able to sleep through the pounding of drops the size of small water balloons, peppered by the occasional flash-bulb appearance of Zeus’ shocking bolts, and the delayed crashing of the Olympic bowling alley. Professor Thompson felt as if he had survived a staredown with the abyss in the two-plus hours it took to cover fifty miles… not to mention the hairy beast he could have sworn he saw lumbering through the lightning flashes as darkness was closing in.

As Billie guided the Chool Bus through Mother Nature’s extreme water hazard, she kept her eyes peeled for the sudden appearance of animals, vehicles, debris, or God forbid, people in the road. And though this may have been the most intense rain dump she’d ever had the chance to conquer, she was confident in the advice her grandfather gave for inclement weather.

“Never mind the posted speed limit… keep your wheels on the road, and keep your speed within the bounds of ‘reason and prudence.’” This advice served to earn Billie the gang’s trust as a calm, vigilant, responsible, True Blue Chool Bus pilot.

By the time the gang finally rolled into Coos Bay, the downpour had settled into a gentle, steady shower. The drops pattered on the roof most of the night and the soothing ambience served to lull all into a deep, dreamless slide into comatosity. When the morning sun finally made an appearance in Coos Bay, the gang took some time in the twenty-four-hour fitness center where they had parked for the night. Once all had their morning necessaries completed, some light breakfast food, some coffee, back on the road ventured the Forks. 

It was a clear sunny day when the bus rolled into Coquille. First stop? The home of Jack’s cousin, Janice. She and her sizable extended family were happy to welcome the Forks to their quaint little Oregon town. After introductions and some familial catch-up, Janice, tipped off by anecdotes of the gang’s time in Seattle, was reminded of the local Pho restaurant…all agreed…lunch at the Coquille Pho House.

Now, many consider this signature Vietnamese dish more than a nutritious, delicious meal, but also medicine. And with this medicinal dish, there is a process. First, the host brings each diner a plate with juicy wedged limes, a handful of fresh bean sprouts, a few sprigs of fragrant basil, and for those who believe their meal should have an opportunity to bite back, several slices of fresh jalapeno peppers.

Once the bowls arrive, diners prepare their medicinal Pho (oxtail soup) to their personal tastes. The proprietor furnishes accompanying spices at every table, hoisin sauce (seasoned soybean paste), chili sauce, Sriracha, fish oil, sugar, etc… you can gauge each diners’ capsaicin tolerance by the color of the oxtail broth. If it’s red it’s hot baybay. Now that the accompanying spices, herbs, and citrus had been added, one engages in a graceful ballet which involves chopsticks, and soup spoons. Swimming in the broth, noodles, and vegetable additions, depending on the order, will be your choice of meat: brisket, shrimp, beef tendon, tripe, mystery meat balls, etc.. Some like to enjoy the medicinal qualities of the hot broth, soaking in the healing steam, draining half of it before digging into the noodles and meat. These folks generally consume the whole bowl, noodles, broth, herbs, peppers, citrus and all. Others go right for the solids, sometimes leaving half a bowl of the healing liquid unconsumed. Professor T always shakes his head when he sees so much medicine wasted.

***

Back at Janice’s secluded house deep in the woods, the gang sat on lawnchairs in the warm June sun among romping children, goats, and pecking chickens. The conversations were easy and breezy. At some point, Janice’s brother, Jason, was chatting with Professor T about a land deal he was trying to secure. It was a plot in the wilderness that was rumored to be haunted by the tortured spirits of a recently demolished insane asylum. Now, Janice’s brother doesn’t believe in ghosts. In fact, he hosted a “paranormal activity debunker” podcast for a time… till he got board with it and decided to get a job in the sawmill as it paid a whole lot steadier. His real motive was triggered by another rumor, that gold could be found on the plot. He said it would take some digging and due diligence to determine the reality of that rumor.

As for the hauntings, all Jason could muster was a grunt of incredulity, trailing off to a smirking chuckle. “Seriously?” Jason sounded somewhat defensive. “I’ve interviewed dozens of folks convinced of spectral hauntings. After a while it gets predictable and boring. Do you remember the Scooby Doo cartoons? Of the ghost stories i investigated, way too many of them resembled stock characters and plots from that wildly entertaining Saturday morning diversion. Some corrupt opportunist or even local official is responsible for one of several outrages: environmental damage, estate dispute, businesses gone bust, almost always the motivation is financial. Some desperate grasping inspires an elaborate ruse involving a haunting of some kind. In the end, they either get away with their caper by way of mass sociogenic hysteria, or they make a mistake and get busted.” 

“Too bad we don’t have more of those precocious, inquisitive kids looking for mysteries to crack,” said Janice.

“Good luck with the site survey… i’d love to help pan for gold nuggets,” Billie was on autopilot, she was making sounds in order not to look bored.

Professor T was taking it all in. He considered Jason’s cock-sure outlook regarding mysterious phenomena a little too certain. In other words, Professor T was skeptical about Jason’t iron-clad skepticism. But turning his thoughts to Abigail Weiser’s inexplicable attack on his workplace integrity gave him pause. He was starting to wonder if he could accurately gauge the veracity of anybody’s fantastic story at face value. It seemed he was waking up to the depth of people’s public facing masks. He was starting to understand how the onion-like layers of personality can run deep and pungent.

Regardless, open-minded or not, Professor T considered the paranormal rumors about as real as Scooby Doo himself.

NEXT WEEK:
The gang lands in Eureka, NorCal, a beach town crawling with under-employed pirates giving the gang the heebie-jeebies, pushing them on to Redding.

GO BACK => Preface and Chapter Links

The Chool Bus (ch18)

CHAPTER 18: The Forks crash through dense Oregon forests dodging Sasquatch and Mother Nature.

As the research tour meandered through Pacific Northwest territory, the Forks made their way to scheduled stops from Seattle to Tacoma, from Portland to Eugene, and Oregon’s Lane Community College…a last stop before taking some time to visit Jack’s cousin in Coquille. The pace was frenetic as Portland’s traffic congestion affected the itinerary in ways not accurately factored by Jack and Billie. And though she was able to stay calm, Billie was hard pressed to hit all planned destinations on time. The stretch from Corvallis to Eugene was a welcomed respite…the gang was ready to let their hair down and enjoy some down-time in Coquille. 

From Eugene, they made their way to Florence and though running late, they decided to push on down the 101 Coastal Highway to Coos Bay where they could settle at the local 24-hour fitness club. Again, the gang was running late. The sun slowly disappeared, a soupy fog/biblical downpour rolled in, visibility inched ever closer to nil, and Billie was obliged to nudge the Chool Bus through this leg of the trip slowly, hazard flashers blazing. It was a white knuckle stretch for Billie but Jack was snoozing in his sleeping berth, Buck was in the passenger seat providing moral support, and Professor T was anxiously staring out the window hypnotized by the downpour, the claustrophobia-inducing tree walls persisting for miles and miles.

In this somewhat nightmarish crawl through the sodden darkness, Professor T’s thoughts ran wild with replays of conversations involving Abigail’s attorneys and the court-appointed mediator. On one hand, Professor T understood the #metoo movement was a necessary seismic correction in gender relations. It wasn’t just about high-profile takedowns… it was a fundamental demand for dignity and the right to exist in professional and private spaces without the threat of predatory behavior. It forced long-overdue conversations about consent, power dynamics, and the invisible labor women have historically carried. 

On the other hand, the rise of the “Manosphere”…the world of Alpha-grindset podcasts and “bro” influencers…seemed a bit more than a random backlash to Mork Thompson. More like a symptom of deep-seated identity metamorphosis. Professor T recognized traditional roles (provider, protector) were becoming less tied to economic reality. Where many were feeling disempowered at best, their very existence increasingly viewed as inherently problematic at worse. He felt his fellows were looking for a script that could provide purpose, strength, or at least, a sense of belonging.

He considered himself savvy to this dynamic and viewed himself sympathetic to the plight of women. He recalled John Lennon’s song, Woman is the Ni***r of the World. Professor T’s take was that, due to their willingness to sign up for nature’s demands in the process of proliferating the species, they should be more accurately be considered heroes of the world. Not to mention the monthly pain of simply existing. In short, Professor T considered himself in league with the ladies. 

Abigail surely knew this about him, so all things considered, Professor T concluded Abigail’s campaign was a setup. He suspected she was caught up in a nefarious plan hatched by the ethically challenged duo, Scheizer and Bok. In the beginning he experienced self-doubt, he truly wondered if his outlook had been so out of whack that her case was legit, but then he recalled an encounter with the shysters where they appeared to be provoking him. Scheizer, with his fragile and bony constitution always ended up standing behind Bok, pasty, bloated, and shabbily dressed.

It seemed they were trying to provoke Professor T to assault one of them. He even thought he heard Scheizer say something to the effect of, “Does this inquiry anger you? Perhaps you would like to give my partner a shove, or maybe a poke in the jaw?” 

Of course, Professor T could only look on with astonishment. In his thinking, members of the professional class, doctors, teachers, lawyers, etc. were always well intended and professional in their day to day interactions. When it appeared someone with the privilege of representing clients in a court of law was exhibiting grasping and corrupt behavior, he experienced a shock of cognitive dissonance. Always wary of falling into a trap of fundamental attribution error, Professor T’s response, when encountering corruption, was quick to explain it away by acknowledging everyone has their share of battles, telling himself he must be misinterpreting motives of those who appear to be behaving in less than ethical ways. 

***

Breaking Professor T’s reverie, a thunder crash rattled the cabinets. Billie confessed later it gave her a good jump scare. But just before the crash, in that instant of bright illumination, Professor T could have sworn he saw a lumbering, hairy figure in the trees. And for the rest of the stretch to Coos Bay, he scanned the fog and rain obscured dense tree belt for more evidence of forest dwelling wookies. Of course nothing more would appear in the good professor’s visual field. He decided to keep this sighting to himself as it would never do to have a respected academic confessing belief in the Sasquatch mythology. It was difficult to hold his tongue, but he was traveling with friends so he resolved to make a joke about the sighting over dinner once the Chool Bus was parked for the night…a trial balloon to check his traveling companions’ reaction.

NEXT WEEK:
The White-Knuckle Storm Crawl Continues… Tales of Ghosts, Toxic Waste Contamination, and GOLD in Coquille.

GO BACK => Preface and Chapter Links

The Chool Bus (ch17)

CHAPTER 17: Professor T explains the rationale for his research.

Professor T has some well defined opinions about the nation’s fibrillating heart. Indeed. But also, he tries to keep personal opinions to himself when discussing research as a general rule. After all, it’s about the study’s participants and data, not the researcher. That said, he’s fairly open with the Forks and Buck, especially after a couple of margaritas. Something about returning to his grunge-metal roots in Seattle filled him with a blustering swagger that can only be interpreted as flow state channeling.

To set the scene: It was the gang’s last night in Seattle. As a fitting sendoff, they chose a place frequented by their favorite artists, the Central Saloon. 

“Woohoo, air-fried vittles and libations!” Jack was hungry and the gang was stoked to commune with their favorite grunge ghosts. This was the place. In the 1970s the Central Saloon helped introduce live blues and rock to the neighborhood. In the 1980s it played a role in the rise of Grunge, hosting shows by the genre’s leading lights. 

“Yup… that sounds like a solid plan,” said Mork T.

Now, when Professor T gets all liquered up…deep into one of those no-holds-barred-rages…he starts grumbling about the Great Flyover. He’s been known to echo the likes of HL Mencken, lamenting how sectors of the rural South and Midwest are vast, Dollar General wastelands where intelligence is a mark of shame and systemic prejudice clings like barnacles on the ship of culture.

“We are what we think and the American media is currently a swamp of rot and resentment,” said Professor T. “The national heart isn’t just skipping beats… it’s in a full-blown, fibrillating code-blue emergency.” According to the Professor, a glowing ember of white resentment turned into a goddamn inferno the moment an intelligent, scandal-free black man ascended to the White House without an Anglo-Saxon overseer holding the leash. This sent the small-town bourgeois…those without skills to join the laptop/air travel class or too proud to mount the struggle bus…into a total psychological aneurysm. “Many find themselves lifetime members of the doomed underclass… they know it and somebody has to pay. This paves an express-lane for demagogues promising retribution.” Mork T was approaching a tequila-fueled angry flow state.

Through the din of house music (a bit too loud) and the compensating murmur of the bar patrons, Professor T, fueled by top-shelf blue agave continued, “Let’s get down to brass tacks. This tooth-gnashing fury, in part, can be traced to the degradation of an indispensable social asset…whiteness…it’s a bank account that’s fast approaching zero.” Practically yelling over the din, and channeling Mencken, he referred to the phenomena as anthropoids reacting to civilized humanity… a primal, beastly shriek to reestablish an hierarchy nature was busy flushing down the toilet. “I actually feel a twisted sort of compassion for their apprehension. Imagine the sheer, bone-chilling terror of realizing a person from a traditionally marginalized demographic was actually the smartest person in the room, especially if that person is a woman, and you’re standing there with nothing but fading ethnic/gender privilege and a bad attitude for consolation.”

“And that’s just one pole of oscillation,” Jack was familiar with Professor T’s 19th Century Wildian musings regarding the attractive and repellent forces of science and religion.

“Right! Religion, the opiate of the masses,” Professor T extended the segue. “You have that end times doctrine… the ultimate supernatural shell game. It’s a beautiful grift, really. The apocalypse has a 100% failure rate, but hustlers never run out of marks,” said Professor T.

Jack was beginning to tap the flow. “It’s a perpetual motion machine of dread. Every time the world doesn’t end the year and month predicted they chalk it up to a clerical error by a god who apparently can’t read a Mayan Calendar, and the believers line up for more disappointment a couple years later.” Jack was yelling to be heard over the din just as one song was ending and before the next began. Of course nearby patrons heard the outburst and turned to look at the Forks’ table. Some snickers, some frowns, mostly disinterested staring. It was Jack’s second pint of Imperial IPA, so he was feeling particularly uninhibited. In response, he gave the gawkers a take a picture, it lasts longer countenance, sorta dancing in his chair to the next song’s groove.

“Why do they buy it?” asked Billie. 

Professor T put on a disinterested, deadpan countenance. “The outlook is grim. For one, Their Rapture represents a cosmic revenge for disenfranchisement. It lets the ‘pious’ picture their godless neighbors being slow-roasted in a lake of fire while they sit on a cloud playing their golden harp.” 

Billie snickered, “Good one,” she winked. She had always marveled at doomsday ravers’ ability to willingly suspend disbelief regardless of how many end times deadlines come and go.

“It’s a bitter-kiss theology of spite,“ Professor T chimed in. He had always found the whole thing absurd. “You’ve got people who swear the world is ending next Tuesday yet they’re fighting like cornered rats to control the local library board on Wednesday,” nods from the table. “It’s not about saving souls… it’s about will to power exercised with willful ignorance,” said Professor T.

“Right.” Jack was hanging in there. “The Evangelical Ethnonationalist is just a person who wants the Kingdom of Heaven because the Kingdom of Earth…with its books, its reason, and inconvenient facts…is too goddamn hard to navigate.”

Buck, attentively taking it in, offered his take. “It seems we’ve gone from bread and circuses to grievance and retribution, politics designed to keep the populace alarmed and clamoring for a leader to save us from an endless parade of imaginary threats. One day it’s a Black man in high office… tomorrow it’s holy war waged against a veritable parade of boogiemen.”

“The circus never leaves town because the customer never changes,” said Professor T. The former bourgeoisie still remembers when the world handed them all privileges at the front of every line. But now, they’re being asked to make room for formerly disenfranchised minorities. They fear the truth and revel in the freak show.” Professor T was fading.

As if a powerful amphetamine-laced turbo-hallucinogenic mind-jacking recreational street substance had suddenly taken hold in Billie’s brain, she gave the boys a look that can only be described as lucid, psychotic, reptilian predation. She addressed Jack first. “Were you going to let the good professor leave it at that? What about the war waged in kitchens and bedrooms everywhere, always. Have you forgotten about the fact that Western Civilization only granted women personal agency in the last century.” This made a significant impact. The room was still quite noisy so Billy had to up the volume several notches above her comfort level. But there was no indication of physical strain, and she didn’t appear rattled, but the boys knew, they were in for an ass-chewin’ like they haven’t experienced since their porch-monkey days.

“I’m sorry, Billie.” Jack knew there was only one logical response to this oversight, contrition.

“In fact, the rise of Feminism and the reactionary Manosphere are factored into the survey and focus-group methodology,” said Professor T. “We haven’t begun looking for patterns as we’ve only just launched the focus-group tour.” Professor T realized his explanation to Buck and Billie had not included this element, but he knew the advocates for Patriarchal dominance was playing a big role in the social/political disunion. 

“It seems to me, this may be the most impactful conflict right now,” Billie was on fire. “The idea of society digressing, shoving women back into subservient roles, turning the clock back on Women’s Suffrage, the feminist bra burning of the 1960s, and all those Rosey the Riveters getting a post-war taste of bringing home the bacon, enjoying the independence that comes with earning her own way.   

Buck was no stranger to the phenomenon of strong women, his mother’s sister was an architect. But not until an unfortunate scene in her first marriage convinced her to go back to university.

The scene went thusly:

HUSBAND (Jake): “If i wanted your opinion, i’d give it to you.”
AUNT JASMINE: “Excuse me?”
JAKE: “That’s right, look (he throws a pair of his jeans to the floor)…
I am the dictator and you are the subordinate. We’ll have sex when i say so, and you’ll serve up the sandwiches on command. This is a one-way monogamous relationship. You stay home, tend to parenting, my libido, my sandwiches, etc, and i’ll take care of whatever side action i please. Someday, when the world finally wakes up and takes the red pill, i’ll take multiple wives. And that’s how it is. You can contradict these dictates as soon as you can put on those pants… (he points to the jeans on the floor).”
AUNT JASMINE: “Thank god i’m not pregnant.” (she plans her escape)

“I wonder why she didn’t see that coming before the marriage?” said Jack.

“They need to include red flag training in high school,” said Professor T.

“We need to elect a woman in the White House,” said Billie.

“I’m sorry, Billie, i won’t forget the battle of the sexes ever again,” said Professor T.

NEXT WEEK:
The Forks crash through the dense Oregon forests, dodging Sasquatch and coastal pirates.

GO BACK => Preface and Chapter Links

The Chool Bus (ch16)

CHAPTER 16: A different breed of preppers in Spokane, a visit to the Grand Cooley Dam, and a pilgrimage to the home of Grunge Metal’s birthplace.

The gang was stoked! Through all those years and hundreds of gigs, The Forks had never been to Seattle, the birthplace of their favorite music hotbed. And now just a couple more stops to make and they’d be poised at the very doorstep of Grunge Mecca.

First, Spokane… Jack wanted to visit a former colleague and her husband. She, former office manager now golf pro. And he, former hockey pro and veteran of the now turbulent software development business. His firm was grappling with the rise of large language artificial intelligence models (AI) transforming job prospects for code jockeys into something more akin to project management positions. AI was indeed usurping entry level programming jobs and code jockeys were either learning to better interface with people or find other lines of work. Fortunately, Jack’s friend was boardroom politics adept and still gainfully employed.

When the Chool Bus rolled past the address provided, surroundings resembled a Mad Max wasteland so Billie asked Jack to confirm. They could see what looked like a fairly nice house a quarter mile off the paved road. On a dirt road with the surrounding land littered with loose barbed wire, abandoned vehicles, rotting boats, and piles of garbage. 

“Is this it?” cried Billie. “I don’t want the Bus stuck in quicksand, brambles, or a drug deal gone bad.”

Jack put a call into his old friends, Mai and Brandon Wilson. “What gives, Girlfriend? We’re here, but the neighborhood doesn’t look altogether settled… are we in the right place?”

Brandon said he could see the bus from his living room window so, “Yeah, this is the place.”  

Jack introduced the Forks to his friends, former colleagues, hell mates. Mai was from Cambodia and Brandon was Canadian. They were a colorful couple. She was Asian through and through, and he was cracker as they come, she’d refer to him as Honkey from time to time and he affectionately called her Dragon Lady on occasion. The most interesting thing about this colorful couple: Their kids, a boy and a girl, were about as normal as their parents were eccentric. And all of them under a fortified, swanky, million dollar home, nestled in a grove of trees, at the lip of a gorge with a freshwater creek at its base, stocked with provisions, self-sufficient power generation, and weapons ready to survive a zombie apocalypse.

“Wow, this is a far cry from the suburban tract home you had back in the aughts,” said Jack. He was still puzzling over the area’s apparent desolation, and why these folks would choose it for their great Spokane redoubt. 

“Yeah, well apparently your sense of paranoia is contagious.” Mai was fairly snappy with the comebacks. 

“But why? Won’t this area get developed somewhere down the road?” Jack was a self-confessed paranoid, but not pathological, and not nearly enough to invest a million dollars for an opulent mansion plopped down in a rusty dusty junkyard.

“Hey, we’re only a fifteen minute drive from the nearest provision outlets. It’s not as isolated as it seems.” Mai was whipping up her famous sticky rice and spicy dipping sauces. She loves those traditional dishes but Brandon prefers pizza and beer, because, you know… honkey. So, whenever Jack comes around, Mai puts on the spread. It’s a spectacular introduction to Asian food for Professor T, Billie, and Buck. 

After a couple hours of visiting and cleaning up after the meal, the Forks remounted the Chool Bus. A ninety minute drive to the Grand Cooley Dam. They’d catch the 2:00pm guided tour, then push on to the outskirts of Seattle where they’d settle in for the night. In the morning, after enjoying some famous Rain City coffee and danish, the Forks would make their way to London Bridge Studio. This is where a who’s-who of Grunge bands recorded in the 1990s. The first four Alice in Chains recordings, Pearl Jam’s biggest seller, 10, Soundgarden’s major label debut, Louder than Love, Mother Love Bone, Temple of the Dog, and, the thing that Mork T wanted to see most, the vocal booth where Alice in Chains recorded, Man in the Box. 

Next, they’d make their way to Black Dog Forge, a famous practice place for Soundgarden and Pearl Jam to name just a couple. Some of the most classic grunge cuts were written in that basement rehearsal space. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t get inside. They were, however, able to visit room #207, the Sub Pop Suite at the Palladium Hotel, lots of Sub Pop memorabilia, especially the most famous Sub Pop recording, Nirvana’s Bleach. 

Then, of course, a visit to the Edgewater Hotel, a veritable blizzard of music memorabilia, starting with the ‘60s when the Beatles rented rooms after being rejected by other hotels in the area. After that, many other iconic acts stayed at the Edgewater, Led Zeppelin and many more. 

After this whirlwind jaunt through Grunge Mecca, the Forks stopped for a late lunch at the Sub Pop founder’s favorite spot, Pho Bac. Back in the day, Pho Bac had two menu items: small and large bowls of Vietnamese soup, considered medicinal in some circles. Mia and Jack’s favorite work lunch choice back when they were Spokane hell mates in the aughts. Billie shared the sentiment and insisted, “We GOTTA have lunch at Pho Bac!” When they got there they found the original location was closed, but a new one was established a few short yards away… 

Ummmm Pho… good music… good friends… good soup. 

NEXT WEEK:
Professor T explains the rationale for his research.

GO BACK => Preface and Chapter Links

http://www.artnet.com/artists/abel-pann/

Uncle Zadie

Zadie’s on his way…
Found his voice and
holding evil sway.
Straight up with a yell…
The desert highway.

Zadie’s on his way.

Woe… Zadie sings…
To those who deceive…
Cast up… gather out the stones…
Hold the standard high…
Spread the news cross every
hungry ear.

Zadie’s on his way!

Zadie’s here today…
And out to lunch…
his enemies say.
But Zadie’s not deterred…
sets his face like flint.

Zadie’s here today.

Cut down the left…
But still, they’re hungry…
So why not grind down the right?
Still not satisfied… so they’ll meet
with fiery fate.

Dawn the judgment day… hey hey!

Wonder why we can’t just…
Gather good folk together and testify…
Speak the truth to power? 
People like faded roses…
Withered by the breath of God…
One day bloom again.

Cos all will beat swords and spears
into their plows…
Going back not is allowed…
Sheep and werewolf…
Eating tofu chop together…
Brotherhood for walls and gates..

Zadie’s on his way… hey!

Spotify link => HERE

The Chool Bus (ch15)

CHAPTER 15: Billie and MollyG enjoy the steamy Clearwater Mineral Pool and Coeur d’Alene turns out bland as any mid-sized white-bread college town.

The gang decided to go separate ways for recreation in the Missoula area, Jack and Buck teamed up on a mission to experience the local flavors, that is, the local brew-pub flavors. Experiencing the people was important too, but, according to Jack, “a man has to have priorities.” 

Professor T held the Chool Bus down as a substantial backlog of business had accumulated since departing on this leg of the trip. He wanted it all moved to the outbox before heading to Coeur d’Alene for the next round of focus group interviews. 

By the time Professor T finished his morning necessaries, Billie and MollyG were making their way to the Clearwater Forest in Molly’s Mini Cooper. The ladies had been an item back in the 90s when the Forks were in their heyday, and though their breakup was mostly amicable, Billie suspected Molly hadn’t doused that torch. But as they say… time and tide. MollyG moved on, married one of her favorite high school party pals, had a fulfilling career as a social media strategist, her husband turned out to be a decent human being, and their kids looked to be developing mostly stable. “No complaints. Life is good, though a little predictable and sometimes kind of boring.” Molly was unloading on her trusted confidant and former lover. 

“I’m glad we could reconnect,” said Billie as the ladies eased a’la natural into the healing steam of the Clearwater mineral pool. 

“I often wonder what our lives might have been like had we stayed together,” said Molly. 

“Well, it wouldn’t have been boring.” Billie had the matter settled. “I’ve given this a lot of thought and like you, i’m inclined to go with the normie flow. I don’t try to hide who i really am, but when i think about the challenge of raising children, it would stop being so much about me. I’d strive to give my kids a clean runway into the world. And besides, if there’s a ring on my finger, the town busybodies will have fewer handles to grab when looking for someone to ruin.” Molly turned to Billie with a puzzled squint. “I know that sounds a smidge paranoid. Probably from traveling with a cyber security researcher.” Molly knew she was talking about Jack Dean, someone she had dated before meeting Billie.

“Right.” Molly’s memory bank was dumping Jack residue on her head like Nickelodeon green slime. 

“Like Jack always says, ‘just because your paranoid, doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.’ Not sure if Jack or Curt Cobane coined that.” MollyG was a big Nirvana fan, but for her the quote oozed with Jack energy.  

The ladies had a pleasant catchup session, and by the time they were dried, combed, and scrunchied, Billie felt confident MollyG had made peace with her lingering desires. After getting back into their street clothes they remounted the Mini Cooper delivering Billie back to the Chool Bus and MollyG to the hearth and home of her little family.

***

In the morning, Jack and Buck regaled the Forks with some tidbits picked up on their Missoula bar crawl: First, the locals are proud of their rugged, slow-paced, wild-west, hard workin’ diverse heritage, meaning elements of the pale-faced pioneers and the great spirit native sentiments blend in a unique stew that places a high value on protecting the state’s natural beauty and unique history.

But then, the true aim comes bursting forth. You see, Jack is a beer hound, and some of the best brews, according to the Great American Beer Fest, can be found right there in Missoula. The boys started with The oldest brewery in town and the only German microbrewery in the Montana Rockies focusing on traditional lagers. They concluded the tour with a 12 tap pub serving artisan pizza, and a patio with a bird’s eye view of the surrounding mountains.

“Don’t mind me, i’ll just hang around the bus and do all the grunt work.” Professor T was feigning jealousy looking for a humor opening… failing to find one, with a slow smile, he assured the gang he was, “just kidding. In fact, i’m all caught up.”

“Maybe you can lighten up a smidge, yes?” Jack was acting like a jerk.

“We’ll see what we can do,” said Mork Thompson with Jack’s assholiness washing right off his back like water on a duck.

***

The trip to Coeur d’Alene was a bit tense given Professor T’s apprehension regarding the apocalyptic mood of the Great American Redoubt. He was afraid his research into the fibrillating heart of the divided nation might be misconstrued by these end-times preppers as having a political agenda at odds with their ideas about the future.

“Ah, don’t let it worry you.” Jack of all people was playing the voice of reason for a change. “I’m told their ravings are more bluster than anything, though i know their weapons are real. I once employed a network administrator to work in a Spokane office, but he lived on the outskirts of Coeur d’Alene. He invited me to dinner with his family. Seven dirt eaters, door slammers and curtain climbers crawling around the property like feral cats, but cute, yeah. His wife was a consummate den mom. She was able to whip those rug rats into line for dinner like a drill sergeant.” Jack took a bite from the breakfast burrito he had picked up at the grab-n-go.

“Tell Buck about his man cave,” Billie called out from the driver’s seat.

“Oh, yeah. Well, this guy was definitely strapped. His man cave was lined with pistols, rifles, survival gear, and some ominous crates in a dark corner. I asked him about those crates, about the size of a rocket-propelled grenade launcher, if he had one, that is.” 

“Woah!” Buck was paying close attention to Jack’s story. 

“Yeah,” said Jack. “I asked about them, and his response would have been funny if not cliche. He said, and i quote, ‘i could tell you, but…’ And that’s where my curiosity reached its end. I really didn’t want to know this about him.”

“Did he think you were going to leave it at that?” Buck was curious.

“Well, for all i know, those crates were filled with first-aid gear and supplies. None of it was any of my business. The guns i saw were all legal and registered. The evening left me the impression that he was an old-fashioned, be fruitful and multiply church-going, hard working American dad with enough ordinance to protect the brood in the event of an attack from a hostile force.” 

“Was he a good network admin?” Buck wanted to know.

“Sure, he never gave me cause to think otherwise. For all i know, he’s providing quality IT support for some other firm as we speak. But i had to block him on Facebook as he’s a prolific Christian doomsday ranter and it stopped being funny, so i really don’t know what he’s up to now.”

“None of this feels comforting,” Professor T was half listening to the conversation, and sinking deeper into an unsettling dread.

“You’ll see,” Jack was slightly amused by Professor T’s uncharacteristic concern. And as the Forks were packing the Chool Bus for the next leg of the trip, Professor T had forgotten all of those worries as the focus group and interactions around Coeur d’Alene turned out to be bland and pedestrian as one might expect from any Norman Rockwell world depicted in those Americana Paintings.

NEXT WEEK:
A different breed of preppers in Spokane, a visit to the Grand Cooley Dam, and a pilgrimage to the home of Grunge Metal’s birthplace. 

GO BACK => Preface and Chapter Links

The Chool Bus (ch14)

CHAPTER 14: Professor T steps in it again and Billie arranges a mineral hot spring rendezvous with a kindred spirit.

Billie Schmidt has a reliable method for combating driver fatigue common in her family. Her dad was notorious for nodding behind the wheel. And though never a traffic tragedy, he did send family members into a state of watchful vigilance and maybe that’s why. And so Billie had several mitigations aimed at setting passengers at ease. “Sunflower seeds and citrus-infused seltzer,” she said when Jack marveled at her stamina behind the wheel.

Today however, Billie is on a mission… get to Missoula and get settled so she can duck out in the morning for some hot springs action, a’la natural.  And since they would be close, she made a mental note to contact an old friend from the wild days, MollyG. Their talent was staying out of jail by sheer will and MacGyveresque creativity. And so MollyG would meet the forks at the RV park, then spirit Billie away in her Mini Cooper…more of a covered roller skate than a car…but the gals didn’t need much as they were planning to soak, again, a’la natural. 

The site, located in Idaho’s Clearwater National Forest, a popular, accessible, undeveloped, clothing-optional natural spring. Three rock-lined pools nestled in a forest setting along a half-mile hike. It would take a couple hours to get there from the Missoula campground. A mostly unspoiled, natural, soak in the woods experience with no developed infrastructure, only user-made, rock-bottomed pools… and yes, clothing optional.

Billie was known and admired by many for her brave self-possessed countenance, and she had friends everywhere. But this detour was not something the rest of the Forks were prepared to endure so she was grateful MollyG was available for the outing.

She reached for the seeds and soda, just in case, but didn’t really need them today as she was anxious to meet up with MollyG for a blissful catch-up session. She chuckled with a wide grin reflecting on some of the things that should have but somehow didn’t land the gals in jail back in the day. Like the time they drove Molly’s VW Bug into the porch lattice of one of the neighborhood Mother-in-law cottages. It was an accident, truly, but alcohol might have played a role.

It’s not that the gals were overtly testing the boundaries of what smokin’ hot party girls could get away with…

…more a tale of skant drivers-ed attentiveness and a faulty clutch on the bug. That said, they were fairly sure the boys in her class would have been subjected to the sobriety dance, had their cooler confiscated, and written up for DUI. None of these things happened to Billie and MollyG. 

Billie fixed her gaze down the road. Thoughts of all the straight guys pestering them back in the day, and how they (the fellas) resembled embarrassed peacocks upon finding out the gals were unavailable filled her with nostalgia, a slight smile. Billy let out a shallow sigh. Sunflower seeds, citrus infused seltzer,  wistful reminiscings, and Sam Jackson to keep her heading down the right roads… what more could she ask for?

***

Meanwhile, Professor T was getting agitated by the Zoom conference he had endured the last hundred miles. It was an attempt to mediate a settlement regarding some alleged improper behavior toward long-time administrative manager, Abigail Weiser. Ms Weiser’s attorneys, Scheizer and Bok, had convinced Ms Weiser she should sue for punitive damages, alleging she could have advanced to a higher position at the university in the absence of Professor T’s bogus appeals, power imbalanced intimidation, and non-consensual groping. Of course, this was a believable allegation as Professor T had been committed to bachelor life ever since the dissolution of his only marriage. As far as the Forks knew, Professor T would go to the grave single harboring absolutely no regrets or aspirations for a different fate.

He finally snapped… there would be no settlement. “You’ll get a grand total of nothing, not a single penny from me, you two-bit ambulance chasing charlatans!” He was addressing Ms Weiser’s attorneys, nearly screaming into the headset microphone. “We’ll see you in court!” Professor T probably should have held his composure as this outburst was also witnessed by Ms Weiser and the court-appointed mediator. 

“Now now, temper temper,” Jack was starting to get worried for Professor T’s blood pressure.

“Lemmie at ‘em!” Billie piped in with her characteristically sanguine moral support.

Buck moved a little closer to the red-faced Mork Thompson asking if there was anything he could do to help the good professor navigate what was clearly becoming a career threatening, potential legal minefield. “In fact,” Professor T finally cooling off some shook his head slightly. “I think i need more intel… these shysters are leading Abigail down the road to perdition.”

“Say no more!” Buck knew a Corpus Christi couple in the business of gathering competitive intelligence (read: domestic surveillance and clandestine spycraft). “Head ‘em up… move ‘em out… them yella-bellied varmints are gonna have to deal with karma, Texas style.” Buck was channeling his inner gun slinger.

“Are we there yet?” Jack was eager to change the subject.

NEXT WEEK:
Billie and MollyG enjoy the steamy Clearwater Mineral Pool and Coeur d’Alene turns out bland as any mid-sized white-bread college town.

GO BACK => Preface and Chapter Links

The Chool Bus (ch13)

CHAPTER 13: The Forks and Buck witness the nation’s fibrillating heart a little more directly than anticipated in the Pacific Northwest.

The Forks had a few days to make the trip to Coeur d’Alene where the next set of interviews were scheduled to be conducted at the University of Idaho. After breakfasting at a Salt Lake mom & pop pancake house, they set off for Missoula, Montana. It would be nearly eight hours on the road, but Billie was up for the challenge as some of the nation’s finest hot springs are located there. She was excited to check out some of the less developed spots for a truly unique communion with mother nature. 

Toward the back of the Chool Bus, the hypnotizing hum of rubber and asphalt lulled Professor T to some fitful napping. He remembered at least three moments between sleep and wakefulness where the dream, or nightmare, stuck to his conscious memory like peanut butter on the roof of your mouth when there’s too much PB and not enough J. One of these, in particular, had the good professor sort of dreading this push into the Great American Redoubt (GAR), an area of the country deeply steeped in apocalyptic religious fundamentalism.

Now, Professor T is a live-and-let-live secular humanist at heart, one hundred percent in support of the 1st Amendment’s explicit provision of religious practice free from government involvement (for or against) but the folks in the GAR of Northern Idaho, Eastern Washington/Oregon, had been slowly creating a space where their brand of apocalyptic Christianity was seeping into a cultural dominance. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, thought Professor T, as long as they don’t try to draw everyone into their oxygen deprived world view. He wasn’t worried for himself so much as for Billie’s safety as a person of gender fluidity. 

It didn’t help that Professor T was watching a documentary on YouTube about the GAR, drifting in and out around the point where some of the worst extremists urged followers to seek out and identify Communists, Jihadists, Antifa & BLM. When responding to a critique over the white nationalist flavor of their apparent political goals, they loudly declared their token black pastor negated all claims of their wish to establish a white ethnostate set to secede from the union like those southern states in the mid-19th Century. Of course, that separation led to a bloody civil war and the radical element of the GAR seemed anxious for a rematch. 

In that misty state between wakefulness and dreaming, Professor T heard voices declaring California and the i25 corridor in Colorado the playground of the devil… spiritual warfare … good-vs-evil. There’s mention of a manifesto that reads like the Anarchists Cookbook for prepper GAR compatriots… lots of tactical advice. For example, in The Biblical Basis for War: A Plan For Creating a New Theocracy Through Violence. First, “Make an offer of peace before declaring war.” This offer would not be a negotiation or compromise of perceived righteousness. Non Christians MUST surrender on terms of the GAR’s brand of justice, including the halting of all abortions, same sex marriage, idolatry, occultism (read: no Wicca, or anything resembling paganism), no communism (whatever that’s supposed to mean), and all must obey biblical law (like the Taliban in Afghanistan). Those who comply must pay the GAR’s taxes and those males who refuse… will be killed… read that again… they. will. be. killed!

“Comply or die.” Jack was hip to the irony of folks displaying Gadsden Flags with a snake expressing a desire that tyrannical government entities refrain from stepping near them… the folks who trumpeted warnings of a nationwide gun confiscation and establishment of concentration camps by the previous administration were now silent as their own political party’s federal government was snapping up abandoned warehouses for the stated purpose of facilitating mass deportation of illegal immigrants. As well, sending divisions of armed goon squads into cities run by political opponents.

“Irony is dead,” Jack mumbled as Professor T voiced his increasing apprehension approaching the GAR. 

“Yes, dead, but unacknowledged irony doesn’t mean mixing with the folks in the GAR could be dangerous… yet.” Professor T cued up an interview featuring a librarian from the Coeur d’Alene area who had spent time in law enforcement during the bad old days when Neo-Nazi groups had set up compounds in the area, some taking their views to extremes with the murder of 1980s talk radio personality, Alan Berg. She said she was certain Idaho would not allow that sort of militant activity again. 

“But still,” Jack’s 6th sense was tingling. He was worried they might run into some trouble poking around asking questions of the GAR locals. 

“Not to worry,” Buck was listening to Jack and Professor T’s conversation. “I know plenty of rodeo dudes from Northern Idaho, and they say all of that great secessionist redoubt talk is empty bluster. You know, like in Iran when they chant ‘Death to America’. Really, all they’re saying is they don’t like our one sided approach to Middle East diplomacy. It’s how they express dissatisfaction.”

“Take the goddamn next exit,” Sam Jackson barked from Siri’s Drunk Sister’s bluetooth audio link.

“Well, i don’t much care about politics, but i am hungry,” Billie had to weigh in as she steered the Chool Bus into a truck stop somewhere around Idaho Falls. “Let’s get some truck stop food.”

NEXT WEEK:
Professor T steps in it again, and Billie arranges a mineral hot spring rendezvous with a kindred spirit.

GO BACK => Preface and Chapter Links