Rocinante

Hot Springs or Busk (chapter VII): Rocinante’s Maiden Voyage

And so, our mongrel of the rueful countenance takes another step closer to his post-retirement vision quest (hot springs or busk). Unlike Don Quixote’s rusty armor, helmet, and spear, he dons camo shorts, Tevas, and Hawaiian shirts blending gloriously with the avocado floor of his newly outfitted camper van. He christened her “Rocinante,” a nod to the famous 17th century novel and a little inside joke to himself. Seemed fitting for a slightly unhinged adventure like this. Luckily he’s traveling with a couple equally bent family members, we’ll call them Dawnareeno and Crazy Carter.

The first stop on Rocinante’s maiden voyage was Colorado Springs, where some savvy outfitters promised to turn Rocinante’s insides into a rolling studio apartment. Ronnie threw caution to the wind and was not disappointed, the outfitters turned the van into a true vagabond sanctuary. While waiting for the workers to finish the job, Ronnie, Dawnareeno, and Crazy Carter took in a few of the local attractions, and while exploring, stumbled upon a vintage motorcycle shop… you know, the one with the cryptic “help wanted” sign in the window. It was practically tailor-made for a gearhead like Crazy Carter, and we all got a chuckle from the words on the sign: “Wanted… mechanic to work on vintage motorcycles. Prefer a retiree with their own tools and plenty of time on their hands.”

Right on time, Ronnie, Dawnareeno, Crazy Carter, and Rocinante tilted towards the plains, bound for their home town where mom still lives (call her Sassy Salgal). Visiting that tiny windswept Western Kansas town made these intrepid travelers feel nostalgic for their flaming youth. But if the wind didn’t shake the vans to pieces that night, well, that would be a minor miracle. It howled like a banshee on a bender, giving their rolling domiciles an unnerving sway that had them contemplating the merits of Dramamine pills.

One more overnight. This time somewhere near the Choctaw Nation, they boondocked in a nearly empty truck stop parking lot, nearly empty because the place had closed for the night in order to upgrade their IT setup. Dinner under the golden arches, then up bright and early for the final stretch to Savannah with its sweet tea, Spanish moss, and symphonies of croaking frogs like drunken choirs of mutant crickets. It was Mother Nature’s lullaby and that night our intrepid travelers slept the sleep of the dead. The frog chorus was as loud as those relentless Kansas winds, which is saying something. Savannah has a ghostly charm, and Ronnie’s travel companions, back in their element, served up a delicious bowl of eggs, grits, and salsa. Just the rib-sticking ticket for the long journey back to Hays America.

A stopping point on the return trip, Nashville, very nearly did him in. The traffic was a biblical swarm of 18-wheelers and urban assault vehicles piloted by rage-filled maniacs who seemed personally offended by the very existence of camper vans. Our hero sweated bullets, the beginnings of a stress ulcer gnawing away in his gut as he navigated potholes big enough to swallow Rocinante whole. Between the craters and the belligerent rat race, he was about ready to cash in his chips and take up residence in a roadside ditch.

But like all things, even Nashville’s particular circle of hell came to an end. St. Louis passed in a blur, then a welcomed ice cream break with his two boys and a special friend in Kansas City, and then… the long, lonely expanse of I-70. The wind returned for one last hurrah, a farewell slap to remind him who was really in charge out on the prairie. Ronnie gritted his teeth, visions of sugar-coated mood gummies and his home bed the only thing keeping him sane.

And then, just like that, there was Hays America again. Rocinante, despite the indignities suffered, pulled into the parking lot with a weary sigh. Ronnie, a little grayer, a little more wrinkled, and sporting a newfound respect for the sheer chaotic power of the American highway, stumbled out. He was home, and damn, if it didn’t feel good. He might not be the world’s greatest adventurer yet, but as he patted Rocinante’s battered side, he grinned. “We’ve only just begun,” he said. There are 50 states in the good ol’ USofA, and Ronnie with Rocinante plans to busk them all then relax in their natural hot springs along the way.

Onward… through the fog!

Hot Springs or Busk: Chapter I (the purge)

Happy Funday, loopers! And buckle up, because there is much to do and only months from embarking on a journey of radical proportions… not just to small and medium size college towns across the contiguous 48 (United?) States of America, but into the hitherto uncharted territory of extreme minimalism. You see, before your host can Kerouac across state lines with his trusty guitar and tricked-out sprinter van, he’s gotta Marie Kondo the hell out of his already semi-tidy lifestyle.

Now… purging “stuff” without resorting to a Tyler Durdenesque eruption feels like wrestling a hydra with a shopping cart full of expired coupons. At every corner, another forgotten set of martini glasses, shot glasses, cocktail shakers, beer brewing kits, fondue forks shining with the accusatory glint of a thousand bad decisions… can you relate? Remember that popcorn maker you bought on a whim after a particularly potent batch of brownies? Or the ceramic Elvis bust your aunt Mildred bequeathed you, its rhinestone sunglasses perpetually mocking your life choices? They all gotta go, loopers, jettisoned into the great beyond of thrift shop purgatory.

It’s a Sisyphean task, let me tell you. You purge until your arms feel like overcooked linguine, only to discover a forgotten stack of Wired Magazines leering at you from a box in the guest-room closet, their splashy geek-chic advertisements reflecting the hollowness of consumerism. But with each item exorcised, a strange lightness washes over you. It’s like you’re chiseling through layers of a self-made sarcophagus, emerging, blinking, into the sunlight of… how did William Wallace put it…?

!!FREEEEEDOMM!!

But let’s not sugarcoat this thing. Saying goodbye to stuff feels like attending your own estate sale, inviting strangers to paw through the detritus of your life with the dispassionate curiosity of vultures at a buffet. You see your cherished pulp-n-ink books, once bastions of knowledge, amusement, and inspiration, now reduced to dog-eared doorstops. Your carefully curated vinyl or CD collection? Frisbees… or kindling for a transhumanist bonfire. It’s enough to make you nod along agreeably as Barbara Ehrenreich describes a bait and switch formerly known as the American Dream, built as it is on an ever-expanding foundation of stuff.

But amidst the chaos, there’s a perverse joy. A giddy dance with absurdity as you realize you haven’t worn those bitchin’ parachute pants since the Clinton administration, and that t-shaped sub-woofer cajone, got more use as a foot-stool than a musical instrument.

So, as i stand amidst the ruins of my former semi-tidy life, surrounded by mountains of “maybe someday” and “what was I thinking?”, i feel a strange sense of liberation. The micro-bus, once a gleaming symbol of woodstockian wanderlust, now beckons as a deep-space “stealth” ship (a name… hmmm… let’s see… how about “Rocinante?”).

Anyhoo… no more will i be tethered to the tyranny of things. The open road awaits, and i, with Rocinante, and only the essentials (and maybe a slightly dusty foot-stool), am ready to answer its call.

This, loopers, is not just a trip to the thrift shop. It’s a baptism by Marie Kondo, a communion with the open road, a middle finger raised to the gods of consumerism. It’s the year we trade stuff for possibility, and let me tell you, the view from here is anything but beige. Stay tuned, because Rocinante has yet to commence the metamorphosis… the adventure is just beginning!